REBELINDISGUISE.

This always happens

God, just help guide me away from caring too much. Or from caring at all.

I still check on you.

No matter what happened between us, or how long its been since we last talked, I still care, I wanna know you’re doing and feeling. I don’t stalk you but just enough to know you’re okay because you’re still that person I miss and the person who will always be in my heart.

(Source: tumblrsupreme, via toastingbreadat4)

Dear you,

Dear you,
Running into you the first day back from summer vacation at school, then asking you to lunch. Yeah, I was pretty ballsy. Lunch two days after and I couldn’t have been any more satisfied. Those 3 hours of pure good vibes and conversation had me thinking, he just might be a keeper. Talking to eachother about life, ambitions, and making that handshake, was just too dope.

I was flirting up a storm at that party I invited you to. The alcohol kinda made things a lot easier to do because I wasn’t so self consious of what you’d think of what I do or say.

Hot chocolate then walking around at that park. Meeting Stanley. Good talks, and good vibes.

Birch aquarium day. French fries and gelato. Your love for Italian architecture. Sitting on the bench watching those sea lions. Catching a glimpse of dolphins in the wild. Amazing talks. You talked about your family. Your mom and sister. Your dad. You talked about your future. Your friends. How they all moved away for college.

That party. Things got bad. Kendrick Lamar. I didn’t know how to feel.

Things got sour. Halloween. Looked out for me.

Maria. You liked her. She’s really pretty and nice. And she’s European. You’d date her without hesitation. Nice girl, and a jealous me. You went on a date. I thought I was done.

I was hurt. Still am. I told you everything. I told you how much I cared about you. And how your company just keeps me sane but drives me insane at the same time. You told me, “I love you and you’re one of my favorite people in my life, but it just didn’t work out for me.” You tried to be more than friends but you just couldn’t. You brought me up to my highest point then dropped me to my lowest. It’s been awhile since I’ve cried so much. And to even admit it. My mom walked into my room as I lay on the floor crying and just filling my head with all sorts of insecurities. Why? Because there was something wrong with me. Or not something right.

I talked to Degan and he made things alot easier for me to understand. I let you back into my life because you mean that much to me. Things go back to being some sort of good. I thought I’d be good just being friends. That soon vanished. I fall back in but kept my head up straight. I was so sure that I was just going to do me but still care about you as much as I did before but knew not to expect anything.

But I did. I continued to believe that, no, things aren’t going anywhere… Yet. I left hope within me. I told myself things might get better, and that maybe you’d turn the other leaf and give it a chance. And you gave me reason to.

“I love you but I can’t change the way I feel.”
But yet, “I don’t know why things must be definite or final. I’m just confused.”

You say one thing, say another, then act another. You have driven me insane and its hard for me to ignore.

You’re right. I can’t change the way you feel about me. So there is no point for me stick around.

I care about you so much. I like you so much. I love you so much, that you’ve made me blind. And because of that, I’ve stuck around. Because its not fair to me, and I just now realized that I haven’t been really fair to myself.

You show mixed signals. I’ve vented to friends.
“If they really wanted to make things work with you, then they’d get their shit together.”
You don’t really care about me that much to the point where you’d clean up your act, and that depresses me. I shouldn’t be holding on to someone that’s already chosen to let go.

You’re one of the most interesting and sweetest beings I’ve ever met. I’ve never enjoyed someone’s company so much. My best friends have told me to let go but I refused to and told them you were different. That you’re different and that you cared about me. Someone told me that they knew what was up between us because the way you looked at me. And that, right there, was enough for me to choose to keep on holding on. I chose to believe that. I accepted the love I think I deserve.

But I can’t. I’ve gotta look out for myself. No more holding on.

I’m sorry for being such a burden. Sorry for being a confusion.